I’m not seeing results, people, and this terrifies me.
Phase 1 of P90X is rapidly waning. Swimsuit Photo Op Numero Dos is stirring from sleep and crawling to the edge of its cave, lasciviously licking its lips and readying for the attack. I’m starting to really fear a vicious slap of reality from these results.
I should say, I feel stronger. Just to put that out there to begin with, quelling any well-meaning pep-talks about the (invisible) benefits I’m surely racking up from doing all of this working-out. I do feel better. I can definitely do more of each routine than I could at the start. I feel that my strength, balance, and flexibility have genuinely improved. But seriously, who cares AT ALL about strength, balance, and flexibility if you don’t LOOK strong, well-balanced, and flexible. (Don’t ask me what one would actually have to be DOING to look strong, well-balanced, and flexible all at once. Whatever it is, I think we can all agree I’m probably not that kind of girl. Still, you know what I’m getting at.)
Also, let me interject here at the outset, or very near the outset, anyway, that I get it: these worries are vain. I get it. Vain, vanity, self-aggrandized, body-conscious, all of it. But you know what, it’s true. All I really want out of P90X is to look like I’m here to pump – you up!
But so far nobody is begging me for tickets to this gun show. I guess people just don’t pay to see such intimidating slingshots in times like these. Nobody is stopping me on the street, asking which way to the beach. (“DAT way.”) I don’t feel any closer to the Michelle Obamas I signed up for.
While my anecdotal perception is that I am experiencing no appreciable results, this is not the worst of it. Worse, way worse, would be ADVERSE effects. Weight gain, less perceptible muscle tone, and pit of despair – tighter clothes. Meanwhile Sideshow Blob somehow already looks like an extra from 300. What’s up with that?
I’ll tell you what’s up with that. A brief scan back over these blog entries revealed to me that my entire log of this experience is about 90% related to diet cheats and downfalls, and only about 10% related to diet and exercise. That’s a problem. I’m thinking, folks, that it’s time to get much more serious about dieting on this program, unless I want to end up the Danny DeVito to Sideshow Blob’s Governator.
It’s time to stop looking for results at the bottom of a third Guinness pint, hidden among the noodles of my blue-box mac-n-cheese, or printed inside the sleeve on my coffee frappuchino. Swimsuit photo session No. 2 is moments away, and Swimsuit Season is right on its heels.
It’s time to turn this ship around.