Blobs, our time has come.
It it officially the Holiday Season and though we may be feeling over worked, over committed, overwhelmed, and generally just stretched-too-thin, there is something around which we can rally. Finally, at long last, we have a mascot we can relate to. See, Santa is really just a blob like the rest of us, right? Think about it:
He probably wants to work out but can’t because he works round the clock.
He probably tries to diet but can’t because he is powerless to resist a cookie with milk.
He probably even tries to stay positive and centered but can’t because of all the Holiday distractions. (Not to mention the fact that all his friends and co-workers are about 15 sizes smaller than him!)
Deep down though, under all the holly, the jolly, and the certainly non-wicking red suit, I believe Santa’s got the heart of an athlete. So what if he leaves all of his work to be done the night before, and the stress of that justifies the occasional cookie. I still believe Santa goes the distance.
Which is why I think we should feel heartened, Blobs, to wait in line the full hour at Macy’s, to bear the utter indignity of the unflattering Polaroid, and the awkward borderline sex-offense of sitting on Santa’s lap, looking Santa straight in the eye, and telling him all about all we want for Christmas.
Here’s my rough draft:
Santa blobby, slip some Nikes under the tree, for me
I’ve been an awful good Blob
Santa blobby, so I can hurry on my run route tonight.
Santa blobby, a minute off my mile -just one, or two!
I’ll wait up for you dear
Santa blobby, so I can hurry up my long run tonight
Think of all the carbs I’ve snipped
Think of all the big beers that I haven’t sipped
Next year I could be oh so trim
If you’ll just grant my Christmas whim.
Boo doo bee doo
Santa honey, I wanna Half without getting
Knots in my calf.
I’ve been running all year
Santa blobby, let me hurry through my miles tonight
Santa cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the speed
For a 13.1
Santa cutie, I’ll stop all of my blobbing tonight.
Santa blobby, fill my stocking with a great bod, strong quads
To ride my bike on inclines
Santa blobby, so I can keep my two wheels going in-line
Santa yogi, I’d like something and just so you know, side crow?!
Hips up on my elbow.
Santa blobby, and slow my inhale/exhale tonight
[Written by J. Javits and P. Springer;
Originally sung by Ertha Kitt;
Lyrics provided courtesy of Ken Zalewski;
[License taken. Whether it’s poetic or not, I guess you’ll be the judge of that.]