P90X Day 60: Enough is Enough

To be perfectly honest, I’ve hardly worked out at all since I started P90X two months ago. I dread the DVDs and can nearly always convincingly argue myself out of succumbing to their mind-numbing effects. In fact, the best workouts I’ve had lately have been the occasional runs or bike rides I feel like I’ve had to sneak into my week. That’s just silly. There are all kinds of workouts out there swimming, biking, and running that I genuinely enjoy, but instead I’m chaining myself to the television to slog through 90 days of terrible un-fun just because I wrote on a blog that I would. Enough is enough.

So it’s day 60 of P90X, and for this occasion I’ve come up with a list of 60 reasons I’m giving up on P90X – FOR GOOD!

  1. I am officially in the worst shape of 2011 – not cool!
  2. I no longer feel inspired to work out.
  3. Between the Women’s World Cup and the baseball trade deadline, it’s too hard to get 90 minutes of TV time in my household.
  4. You do P90X in your living room, so it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. I know this is horrific and shallow, but no cute clothes = no motivation.
  5. NO PEOPLE WATCHING. I’m used to shopping for carbon bikes I see other riders riding, shopping for sneakers I see other runners wearing, and eavesdropping on besties walking on the trail. Without my people watching, I just can’t stay interested.
  6. By design, you can never get good at P90X. “Muscle confusion” means that just when you start getting the hang of things, the whole thing rearranges and your back at the bottom of the mountain again. As someone who lives and dies for the earning of gold stars, I can’t get behind a system that sets you up to be a perpetual beginner.
  7. It doesn’t change your body unless you do the diet with it. Now, I get it that 6-pack abs are made in the kitchen, and changing your body is somewhere like 60% diet and only 40% exercise. But the truth is that this Blob don’t diet. I pretty much work out only to eat. If a major part of P90X is dieting, I can’t get the hang of that.
  8. The music is terrible. No power songs, no power – right? I need my “Man in the Mirror,” or “Whatever You Like,” or “All These Things That I Have Done.” Ambient techno ain’t cuttin’ it.
  9. Tony Horton‘s terrible jokes burn more than the weight lifting – and that’s a lot.
  10. I am morally and spiritually opposed to Yoga X. Nothing about it makes sense. The whole point of yoga is to get away from the extremes, to find balance. Also, nothing in the 90-minute workout it pinned to the rhythm of breath. And, as we all know, “if you’ve stopped breathing, you’ve stopped doing yoga.” (A yoga teacher said that, and a friend and I found it particularly poignant.)
  11. Look, I’m in Texas. It’s hot. I’m a big sweater anyway – I could honestly break a sweat on the way to the fridge – and working out in my living room is just plain ruining my carpet. There. I said it.
  12. There’s no community connection. Yeah, yeah, I know you can “log on anytime” to the “Beach Body Community” and connect with P90X-ers all over the country who are just like you. But if these people go from working out in their living rooms to connecting with friends online, then I don’t want to be just like them.
  13. You can’t do it on the road. It’s not that there is a lot of equipment, or that you can’t squeeze the DVD’s into your carry-on (though squeezing stuff into my carry-on DOES qualify as a workout). It’s that it’s too tough to actually do it on the road. You don’t just slap on your running shoes and tell your travel buddies you’ll be back in an hour. You have to wake up at the crack of dawn and sneak to where there’s a TV in hopes of whipping through the workout before anyone wakes up to see you. The problem is that vacation is about sleeping in, and unless you ball ’til you fall in a multi-room hotel suite, people are probably sleeping in the same room as the TV. Doesn’t work.

    Credit: Moi
  14. Plyometrics is like jumping rope, only way more spastic and without the rope. As it happens, my downstairs neighbors don’t LOVE my plyometric workouts.
  15. No medals. Again, I need my gold stars. Also, I get to buy myself a Do Life medal rack once I rake in three medals. I’m only one away and I want to get that medal rack already. Let’s do this!

    Credit: Moi
  16. No race photos. Why strap on the spandex-y outfit and set your best killer glare if you can’t memorialize your glory in a watermarked digital photo?
  17. No bragging rights. In response to “What’d you get up to this weekend,” saying “I did my 57th day of P90X,” just doesn’t hold a candle to “Eh, you know, I crushed a triathlon.”
  18. No flexibility. If I miss spinning class, I can hit the pool instead. Oh, the pool’s closed? No prob, Bob, I can run any time day or night. P90X just isn’t cut out for the type of Tetris-izing I do with my calendar on a weekly, daily, hourly basis. Networking event cropped up? Run in the morning to free up the evening. Coffee with a mentor? Skip spinning and bike after work. But 90 minutes of TV time is like the awkward z-shaped block in Tetris, it just doesn’t fit many places.
  19. The plyometric Guitar Jump is just stupid.
    Jacked From: http://www.fitbomb.com
  20. I actually daydream about a long run. I was even a little jealous reading about running long on a treadmill. Huge sign.
  21. Outdoors is better. Even in Texas in the summer, outdoors is still better.
  22. No thinking time. Running is cheaper than therapy but just as effective. During P90X, there’s the terrible techno, Tony’s terrible jokes, and commands for you to move, jump, lift, and twist. There’s no thinking, there’s no processing your crazy day at work, there’s no re-hashing a cutting remark a friend made to you, there’s no list-making to separate gifts you want to get other people from gifts you want to get yourself. There’s none of that. I need that.
  23. No cool stickers.
    Jacked From: http://www.cafepress.com
  24. No bibs. If I only do P90X, how will I wall-paper my cubicle?
  25. No manifestations. How do you form a meaningful manifestation for P90X? I see myself doing six more push-ups? It’s just not as satisfying as seeing myself flying across a finish line.
  26. No goal-setting. The only goal for P90X is to get it done. The slogan is “just keep pushing play.” Now, I do believe in just showing up. I truly feel that showing up with earnest intentions gets you about 80% of the way to your goal. But I don’t like doing something just to do it. I don’t want to keep pushing play.
  27. No war stories. “I got a flat 27 miles from civilization on my bike ride,” or “I almost broke an ankle dodging a coral snake on my run,” are war stories. Bad things happen, you use your cunning, skill, and strength out of it, you grow into a better person. What’s a P90X war story? “I really fought through the quiver on that wall-squat.” Wah-wah.
  28. No adventure stories. War stories result when something bad is thrown your way. Adventure stores are when something awesome is thrown your way. Very often on a long outdoor workout something awesome will come to you. You make a wrong turn somewhere in mile 8, cut across a field that turns out to be an unkempt yard, out-run a rabid guard dog, and before you know it you’re laughing harder than you’re panting and you’ve already gone 12 miles! Like war stories, there are no adventure stories in P90X.
  29. P90X is not a conversation-starter. I had a funny, day-brightening conversation with a cyclist at the coffee shop yesterday just because he had a beautiful teal and white carbon Trek that drew me in. (Moth to a flame). I’ve chatted with many grocery line denizens breaking in their Vibrams. I’ve even given advice (hilarious, I know.) to will-be triathletes making curious inquiries about my collection of race-day swim caps I proudly don at my swimming workouts. But I have never, not ever, had a good-natured chat with a stranger about P90X. And the worst part is – I wouldn’t even want to.
  30. No cool gear. No watches, no GPS, no carbon, no tool-kits, no special shoes, no reflective anything. Where’s the fun in that?
  31. Working out is hard enough without doing it in the watchful glare of the Couch of Doom.
  32. The thrill of achieving a single pull-up will never compare to the thrill of an alpine downhill hurtling you at 32mph with a white-knuckle S-turn and a breathtaking vista to boot. It just won’t.
  33. If I’m going to watch TV while I’m working out, or anytime really, it’s going to be my heart-breakingly unattainable crush Anderson Cooper, or else I’m going to Bravo Summer Camp. Life’s too short to waste precious TV time on anything but news or trash.
  34. No carte blanche to carbo load.
  35. “Mounting a pull-up bar can present a problem, especially if you have steel doorways or don’t own your own home.” I don’t even know if i have steel doorways, but I definitely don’t own my own home, the pull-up bar is less than ideal. Also an impediment: I hate pull-ups.
    (http://www.livestrong.com/article/318954-the-cons-of-p90x/#ixzz1ThOubJZ6)
  36. At an hour a day, six days a week, P90X demands roughly twice more than the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends for minimum daily exercise. (http://www.livestrong.com/article/318954-the-cons-of-p90x/#ixzz1ThOGxuZC)
  37. No one gets on the cover of Austin Fit Magazine for doing P90X.
  38. Austin Fit Magazine doesn’t even publish anything about P90X.
  39. I was never going to look like P!nk, anyway.
  40. P90X will never get me to Kona. I may never be an Ironman, and I almost certainly will never get myself to Kona. But just because the door is shut doesn’t mean I want to lock it.
  41. “Squat jumping jacks” are stupid.
  42. “Leapfrog squats” are stupid.
  43. “The Hotfoot” is stupid.
  44. “Super Skaters” are stupid.
  45. “The Groucho Walk” is stupid.
  46. “Walking push ups” are stupid.
  47. “The Congdon Locomotive” is stupid.
  48. “The Airborn Heisman” is stupid.
  49. “Superman/banana” is supremely stupid.
  50. Chaturanga is not a push-up. Doing push-ups in yoga is stupid.
  51. On Day 90 there is no BBQ celebration party with Smart Water, Gatorade, and Mich Ultra, all of which have been major fixtures in all end-of-race parties I’ve ever attended.
  52. This is one of the characters on the DVDs. How can you be expected to identify with that?
  53. For better or worse, bike-shorts tan lines are still tan lines. I need some Vitamin D.
  54. It’s the summer. I should be in the pool. I need the pool.
  55. Going fast is fun. Lifting weights fast is not fun. I need some fun.
  56. I can hear the Matterhorn calling. I know I can own it. I’d rather own the Matterhorn than my back-kick in Kenpo X.
  57. I’m lost in the world without my podcasts. I don’t know which books are hot right now, I don’t know what’s going on with the debt negotiations, and I don’t have that one piece of information you need for your weekend cocktail parties. Truly lost.
  58. My blog is boring. Nobody want’s to read about P90X. You’re probably not even reading this now.
  59. My P90X DVDs are outnumbered by the overwhelming influence of the other forces in my apartment: couch, computer, fridge, Sideshow Blob. P90X just can’t win.
  60. I am tired of sweating in my living room. That’s it.

Enough is enough.

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4 comments

  1. You are the reason why ppl are out of shape. The fact that you run to show of your shoes echos to the fact that you’re not committed to getting healthy. I’m no fan of P90X, but your view on what being fit and exercising is all out is terribly skewed.

    • You flatter me. I agree to being skewed, but I can really only take credit for keeping the 22 people who read this blog out of shape, and to them I say: “Blobs UNITE!”

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