It’s a natural time for reflection, right? A time to reflect on how things went, whether goals were achieved and, if not, how they can be better pursued. I don’t feel like doing that at all, though. The only thing I care about doing is moving forward. In looking forward to the next year, I’ve had a lot of fun and felt a lot of excitement about new goals for 2013, but have also honed in on my aversion to focusing on the review part. So, in the interest of accountability, here’s a brief breakdown of the Bloblessness Project 2012:
|THE BLOBLESSNESS PROJECT 2012|
|JANUARY||Jumpstart||Race Weight||1 book/month|
|FEBRUARY||ATX 13.1||4 home lunches/wk||1 Sat./month|
|MARCH||San Antonio 13.1||Grocery 1/wk||House 1/wk|
|APRIL||Begin Tri Training||3 home dinners/wk||Laundry 1/wk|
|MAY||CapTexTri-1st Olympic||Medical Check Up||Cert. Proj.|
|JUNE||Atlas Ride 70-miler||1 & 3 Cocktail Limits||30-days yoga|
|JULY||Olympic Tri||2 Veg Every Meal||Post-a-day|
|AUGUST||Reunion Ride||Multi Vitamin||1 Sat./month|
|SEPTEMBER||Olympic Tri PR||Dental Check Up||Living Plant|
BEYOND THE END
Even though I suffered a major ending at the close of 2011, 2012 still represented some major ending for me. This year was all about learning that an end is not always (or ever?) a single stinging snap of static electricity. It’s a process and, like all processes, it happens over time. The ending itself happens over time. So even though a single event may catalyze “The End” and come to serve as a symbol for the end in my mind, there really is only an ending, not an end.
This idea has been really helpful for me to stop myself from eddying in destructive cycles. Initially, during my own ending through 2011 and part of 2012, I would see each new particulate event as a beginning, a starting, an “oh, crap, here we go again!” This outlook made me feel continually knocked-down in a hopeless Sisyphean way. I would announce to myself, “That’s it. It’s over. It’s finally The End.” But then something more would happen, an additional hurt, another End. It felt like I was being contradicted because every time I would announce an End, there would be another uninvited encore, another frustrating epilogue.
Eventually I came to realize that this was all the ending, the process of reaching an end. Rather than a string of uncontrollable whack-a-mole beginnings frustratingly stuffed down to unsatisfying ends, these were steps in a continuing and continual process of winding down. Each event served to bring me through the process of ending. By understanding that I didn’t have to leap from one final End-precipice, but rather need only to descend from a more gradually Ending-slope, I enabled myself to do more than just End. I was able to start the starting, the being, and the becoming. By compartmentalizing The End from The Beginning, I made myself feel like I couldn’t start the starting, the being, or the becoming before I was done with The End. That was limiting. And frustrating. And maddening. And false.
And so being at another arbitrary End on New Year’s Eve, I’m less interested in focusing on how things look at The End. I’m much more interested in and excited about the starting, and the being, and the becoming. There’s more of 2012 left to be resolved, I guess: goals unmet, challenged not bested, higher consciousnesses not achieved. But 2013 is here now, and I don’t have to have every box of 2012 checked in order to start THE BEGINNING.