Stop the Wheel, This Hamster Wants Off
Vowing to eat better, but can’t seem to get to the grocery store ever, and now the team wants wings for lunch. After weeks (plural) of having USPS on the to-do list, I still don’t have a stamp for two letters that MUST go out today. Thought I could multi-task lunch with packet pickup for the race this weekend, but packet pickup is on the other side of town. (If this wasn’t Texas, that’d be three states away!) Need to have the car cleaned out by tomorrow morning, but somehow keep taking steps farther away from that goal by amassing crap on ceaseless errands. Return from hot-wing-a-thon lunch to find office entry badge is missing. Just got a replacement badge two days ago. Discovered that my money-saving at-home mani lasted until the day before I’m due at a brunch with mom’s friends (This will never do. I think Mom manifested it, though, because she hates the black polish).
The Digital 40 Days: 5 Down
I started the Digital 40 Days challenge on Monday, which is a program designed to facilitate personal transformation through yoga, meditation, and diet. I’ve done the meditations each morning, and I’ve done yoga every day, and it’s very safe to say that I’ve not transformed even one iota. It’s early yet, though, and I suppose that I’m right where I ought to be since the program is focused this week on presence. This means just identifying your circumstances from your physical state, your energy level, your strength and flexibility, to your mental and emotional state. I guess I’m having success there because everything I lay eyes on today (Day 5), everything I experience, everything I come into contact with feels like a road block. I feel like I’m watching my life this week in 48 frames per second and it feels every bit as nauseating, overblown, and simultaneously hyper-detailed yet incredibly boring as the Hobbit.
I don’t want to shine a light on the places in my life where I am hiding, but that’s what my program homework says week one is about. I don’t want to identify obstacles, and I certainly don’t want to understand that it takes a great deal of energy to sabotage one’s life every single day. Some of the reading for the program has resonated in a particular way, but that last part about sabotaging your own life cut very close. I know that is what I do, I can see myself when I am doing it. I fell sometimes oddly compelled to do the very thing I should not do: I blow-dry my hair 10 minutes before I’m supposed to be at work when a ponytail would do; I accept an invitation to eat hot wings I’m trying not to eat when I should have spent lunch as my singular opportunity to pick up my race packet; and I continually cram my daily schedule full of tasks (some meaningful, but most not) from 5:00am to midnight each day while whining endlessly in my mind about how incredibly tired I am.
This is why I’m clinging to a tiny mantra from the program this week. Aside from “just show up,” which I tell myself every day in every situation, I’m taking on “Right aim, right energy.” Right Aim means choosing the things that are worth your energy. Simple, but I almost never do this. I’ll spend 45 minutes skimming Facebook and no time fixing a healthy dinner, then lament that I feel lethargic after eating a cheese quesadilla, four olives, and two Ghirardelli squares. Right Energy means applying just enough energy to achieve the goal at hand. It means not going full-tilt in any one direction. So I ate wings today, Right Energy reminds me to soften into some sort of balance between wings all the time and The South Beach Diet. My right aims are family, friends, rest, health, and balance. My right energy is committing to visits, but not making myself crazy; going out, but maybe not all night; being alone and being quiet without the phone, the radio, or any plan to go anywhere or do anything; getting to the store and making something healthy to eat; and relaxing just a little bit.
Right Aim, Right Energy